ASK TATO
Hey there. Welcome to the mail room. As expected,
there weren't a lot of letters sent in for the first issue. Well, maybe next
time, eh? Anyway, you send the questions, and Tato gives the answers. Novel
concept, isn't it? I guess that's why we called it a mail room and not a
patio table. Er. If you have a question for the all knowing all seeing Tato,
mail him.
Does R.O.B. have a penis? If not, how do other
R.O.B.s get "produced?"
-Sappy
Well now son, that's quite an interesting question.
R.O.B does not have a penis. This posed problems for the Nintendo team as
they could never create a robot quite as useless and crappy as R.O.B, leaving
them unable to mass produce him. But R.O.B was not willing to accept the
seed of the president of Nintendo, despite numerous attempts to coax him
into it. The president even wore a teddy and put on romantic music, but R.O.B
refused to give it up. He was considered frigid, but then it was revealed
that he had no vagina as well. Things were going downhill, and fast. If only
the Short Circuit films had been released at this time, they would have had
something for reference. So they had to figure out how to impregnate R.O.B
since he had no penis, nor a vagina. So they made the stack up disks for
R.O.B. which were actually made of frozen semen. The plan was to have R.O.B
hold the disks unknowing of what they were, and slowly they would melt and
go inside the R.O.B, impregnating him. Things went wrong again though. The
team was shocked to find that R.O.B was a machine, and therefore did not
have eggs capable of housing sperm. How could that slip by? Now they had
a sticky R.O.B that no longer functioned. What could they do? They were up
the creek without a paddle. Then the R.O.B designer came back from vacation
with the plans and they built lots of R.O.Bs to take up space in America's
landfills and we all lived happily ever after.
-Tato
A little
something for the rumor mill...This is a surveillance camera picture taken
for a men's magazine called "ass pirates!", as you can tell. That's Little
Mac from Punch Out on the left, and the guy from River City Ransom on the
right. There were extensive lawsuits by Nintendo of America when the picture
was first released, and a massive flood of tabloid articles ensued...it got
really ugly...Well, anyway, I'll just let the picture speak for itself. Let
me know if you have any problems downloading/viewing it.
-Mr. Nielsen
p.s. In case you're wondering, I have no idea why Mac is still wearing
his shoes...oh well...
Thanks for sending this shocking picture our way
Mr. Nielsen. I'm not even going to ask why you have a copy of a "Ass Pirates"
magazine. It's been known for a while that Little Mac is homosexual. It all
goes back to his days in the Punch Out ring. Even though he was a famous
fighter who knocked out the legendary Mike Tyson, it seems Mac here just
couldn't get any luck with the women. In fact, it's his bad experiences with
women that got him his nick name "Little Mac" since he is little in more
ways than one. Determined to get the chicks, Mac buffed started lifting weights
non-stop. The results of this can be seen in Super Punch Out. He even went
as far as to get silicon implants in his penis, but the operation was botched
since Dr. Mario was high on narcotics (you can read about the lawsuit that
followed in the June 14, 1996 edition of the New York Times). Realizing that
his problem with women would never be resolved, he decided to swing the other
way and can now be commonly seen at all the gay nightclubs and saunas in
River City, the only place in the tri-state area that houses men with smaller
penises than him. Anyways, we here at the PaNESian Press commend you on finding
this picture Mr. Neilson. And as for the shoes Mac is wearing, you can catch
many a nasty thing in a gay sauna. Just like a McDonald's playground, ALWAYS
keep your shoes on. ALWAYS.
-Tato
I would like you to consider the following evidence
recently uncovered on Nintendo of Japan's own website.
http://www.nintendo.co.jp/n10/fc_disk/ston_1.gif
This picture clearly shows Toad and Yoshi holding hands in a rather *ahem*
fruity manner. Could it be that these 2 are stuck in the closet? Perhaps,
but I think it's something bigger, along the lines of a conspiracy by Nintendo.
Note that this pic was posted right on Nintendo of Japan's website, but nothing
of the sort has turned up on any American websites. I'm thinking the bigwigs
at Nintendo didn't want it leaked to the more moralized U.S. that Toad and
Yoshi were indeed gay lovers, and forced them into the closet. Take note,
also, that Toad and Yoshi, while appearing throughout the Mario series, have
never actually been in the same game. Makes you think they were being forced
apart. Identity crisis or Nintendo conspiracy? I don't know my friend, decide
for yourself.
-Deathspork
Wow. What an eye-opening letter you have sent my
way Mr. Spork. I never once realized that NOA has made it so that Toad and
Yoshi are never together. I can just imagine the torture Toad felt in Mario
Party. Being forced to stay in that cramped hut while his love for Yoshi
grew and grew like an uncontrollable fire, and Yoshi, so far away. In fact,
i'm making it my new mission to make those homophobes at Nintendo to break
down that wall and let Yoshi and Toad frolic freely in the tulip fields.
If you want to make the video game world safe for homosexual fungi and dinosaurs,
send your name over to the PaNESian Press to sign a petition that will later
be sent to NOA. END HOMOSEXUAL SUFFERING!
-Tato
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