LJN: What the Hell?
Hello Kevin Nealonites, it's Tato (again). I found a copy of this old ass editorial I wrote like, 2 years ago on my computer while I searched my hard drive for some saved pics of Alyssa Milano naked. I hope you enjoy it. In fact, i'll give you a gurrantee. If you don't like it, I will personally send you a picture of Alyssa naked. So read on!
LJN. What the hell went wrong? That’s easy. Good movies equal shitty games. Most of the time. You see, LJN could have made a few good games, but were afraid of the consequences. Come on, you don’t think that they didn’t think of letting YOU be Freddy in a Nightmare on Elm Street or letting YOU be Jason in Friday the 13th? In fact, they even had a preliminary version of Nightmare with you playing Freddy and playing 13th with Jason. I’m gonna go through a bunch of shitty LJN games in this idiotorial, and just say my feelings on them. It’s as dumb as that. All you have to do is read them. It’s as easy of as catching AIDS in a whore house.
Alien 3: This game is kinda good, which makes it a rarity, and gets it exlcuded from this LJN orgy of horrible games. Sorry Ripley (besides, she’d rather screw an alien than Marty McFly or Jaws anyday).
Back To The Future: Before we get started, i’d just like to say i’ve beaten this game which makes me kick ass and makes me a loser at the same time. I mean come on. I had to play this game three whole days to finally beat it. It’s not even that fun either. The only fun level is the dance level and it pretty much sucks. It’s just a bunch of mini game and watch galleries put together with Paperboy to make one sorry and impossible game. Besides sucking more than your momma, these games are super hard because the number of items and people you must collect or destroy are set to dangerously high levels, making it near impossible to beat. And what do you get when you when? Basically, congradulations. Fuck you LJN!
Back To The Future 2&3: Anyone ever play the Amazing Spide Man on PC? It kicks ass, this game doesn’t. What do they have in common? Umm.....they have small guys in big ass rooms and shit. But it makes sense in Spider Man. Spider sense that is. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah baby! Yeah! Anyway, this game is even shittier than the first one and the movies combined. You walk around a future town and go into pipes and shit to go to different places that make no fucking sense. For instance, the diner is a room full of rocks that dissolve under your feet. That would be a sucky diner. You’d fall through the floor and die before you fucking got your food. I’d like a quarter pounder with cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese oh fuck me i’m fallin...... Of course, you couldn’t order because the shitty bad attitude cash register guy would have fallen to his death long ago. I guess they hadn’t repaired the floor since 1985. Anyway, after playing through part 2, or putting in the password like a sane person would do, you go to part three which sucks worse than Active’s Ooze, which was one of their better games.
Bettlejuice: This game was originally gonna be a game called Pussyjuice and was about Gene Simmons who picks up so many women because of the size of his tounge. It’s not about the size of your tounge damnit! It’s what you do with it! But anyway, Gene goes door to door prostitutin his tounge to lonely women in some neighborhood that doesn’t have paved roads or anything and where the houses are seperated by deep chasms. Then, competition comes into town under the guise of Jar Jar Binks sinse he can shoot his tounge out like a frog. To compete, Gene masters the black arts and learns how to transform his face into monsters and make his nose longer and we all know what he can do with that nose wink wink nudge nudge. More wackiness was sure to ensue but then LJN stuck Bettlejuice in it and made it suck. If anyone finds a proto of Pussyjuice, alert me before sticking it on Ebay.
Bill And Ted’s Excellent Video Game Adventure: A delightful game starring Keanu Reaves and that other guy. This game came out during the Bill & Ted craze. Things such as Bill & Ted comics, cartoons, toys, and cereals were coming out and i’m ashamed to say I bought and watched all things Bill & Ted, even though the cartoon and comic sucked, the figures never played their guitars like they were supposed to, and I found maggots in my Bill & Ted cereal. In fact, my Bill & Ted figures and phone booth are in my attic right now. I might get em out and look at em some time. Anyway, this game had a cool premise and could have worked if the townsfolk would have given you more clues about the whereabouts of the good stuff. Game sessions often involved just walking around jumping on crap. I only got to the third level because that’s as far as Nintendo Power covered it. Someone should make a Bill & Ted walkthru some day because that would make them kick more ass than Marv Albert. Wait a minute...he bit asses...so....if you DON’T make a Bill & Ted interview, you’ll bite more ass than Marv Albert. That works. So everyone, get off your ass and play Bill & Ted mindlessly for hours so you can make me happy. The world revolves around me bitch, ME!
Crash Test Dummies: I also had some Crash Test dummies toys after they became popular after that computer animated Crash Test dummy movie, even though they never made a follow up. I had the two guys, their fat ass friend, the crash center, the car which came with anouther guy, and the cat and the dog that could be flattened out like they had been hit with cars. They even had tire marks on them. They kicked ass. This game has you doing stunt man jobs to get money to put your fat assed friend back together. I never played it, but George & Rob said it sucked ass, so i’ll just believe them. You know why? It doesn’t matter why! Nothing really meaningful was said in this game right up so I guess I owe your a deep thought then huh? Waitaminute, no I don’t. Oh yeah, George and Rob kicked ass, you people just don't recognize true genius when you see it.
Friday The 13th: Nintendo Power put this on their ten worst games of all time list, but since Nintendo Power is now on my ten worst magazines list, fuck them. This game kicks total ass. I don’t even know why you even have six councilers though. Mark and that other fast chick were the only ones anyone ever used. Once they were gone, everyone just turned off the game. Even with a game genie. The other people moved like they had swallowed some doobies or something. Maybe they were smuggling hundreds of pounds of drugs tied into condoms inside of them so they could sell it to the little kids. I don’t know. Camp Crystal lake doesn’t exactly have a booming business either. They have a whopping fifteen kids staying the summer. I guess only parents that hate their children send them to camp crystal lake. This game is cool so I don’t have anything bad to say about it. My only peeve is that the should have called it Friday The 13th part 4 because it’s opening screen is the box art of F13 part 4 and Jason wasn’t the killer in F13 part 1. Oh hell, F13 sounds better.
Gotcha: The Sport: I used to think this game kicked so much ass as a kid. Then I got it again and realized how boring and repetitive it is. Why play video paintball when you can play the real thing anyway? This game acts like you’re a cop, not a paintball player. You have to shoot thugs with tatoos in the big city and everything. I’ve never played a duller game in my life. Wait, scratch that, here comes Jaws...
Jaws: This game would have been cooler if it had been made by Panesian and been a porno. Hell, it has the name for it doesn’t it? I never quite got this game. A bunch of no talent sailors get a boat and go out to get Jaws. So I made a paragraph long fan fiction on it. Here we go. Mike and his fearless crew had been sailing for days looking for the elusive shark. It had takin them a day to do a five minute run between ports due to the fact that their expert crew hit a rock every few miles. Mike always had to go out of the boat and fend off fish and creatures, even though they hadn’t stopped the boat. The crew just told him he had to. He had never found out why. He wondered why the jellyfish and even the puny crappies were bigger than him and they took several harpoons to get rid off. He hated his situation, and to make it more bearable he collected pretty seashells to make his trip more fun. Every time they got to a new port, they would tell the port owners that the other port had upgrades for cheaper prices, so that they couldn get good deals. They also smuggled drugs from port to port (hey, they gotta get something outta this don’t they?). Then, it happened. Mike encountered Jaws. She blew him away. Then he gave her the five hundred bucks she charged. Boo yah! Too bad he couldn’t find one of those vietnamise prostitutes. You want some sailor boy? Anyway, then he encountered Jaws the shark. He avoided the great white by simply swimming up and down. Then he go to try and catch him. He only took three tries, just to be fair. He failed. Just then, Johnny took out his Jaws cartridge and wiped his ass with it. “Fuck you Jaws” he screamed at the top of his lungs, and with that he threw the game out of the bedroom window and smiled as he heard it shatter against the pavement. Whoa, what a long write up.
Karate Kid: I’m gonna be up front wit ya. The only real use for this game is to use it like a rag and wax your car on and off with it. It starts off with a little tournament which can be beat just by pushing random buttons with your penis (don’t tell me you haven’t tried...). You then do side scrolling levels that are impossible with the play control this game has. All it has are punches and kicks. How the fuck can you mess up play control with only two moves? They should have just used the Kung Fu engine. What’s more pathetic though, is that Kung Fu has more depth that this game has. The only cool part are the mini games where Daniel San masturbates and tried to hit flies with his sperm. It’s a hoot man. Waitaminute...that’s what a usually end up doing after I play Karate Kid. It’s a hell of a lot more fun.
Major League Baseball: This is definately the worst baseball game I have ever played! Why bother buying the fucking official MLB liscense if all the players are cartoony people who all look the same!? This game would work if it were called Playmobile Baseball (to all who have ever seen those toys at the educational toy stores, you know what I mean). This game is horrible, but I only played it once for like, a minute and don’t feel like playin’ it again so that’s all i’ll write.
Marvel’s X-Men: This game is only for small children with chronic stutters who like playing Nintendo for the “funny lights”. They are treated to a delightful showing of two retarded X-men, running around a level fighting wind up toys. They run around into all the enemies and shoot each other in the head. Why? Because LJN couldn’t afford to pay the X-men to star in this game so they got some of those geeks that dress up like the X-Men at those comic conventions to star in it. I don’t feel like going on about the game, so i’m gonna tell you a story about my one and only trip to a comic convention. Here it is, plain and simple, comic convention goes are horrible horrible nerds. They slurp over comic book drawings and ask who does Rogue’s voice in the X-Men cartoon. In the comic book artist draw off, they tell the artists to draw Rogue and Storm wrestling on whipped cream. They are freaks and nerds. In other words, they are just like us NES collectors, NOT. We are so much cooler than them. Teenagers going to yard sales and flea markets. We are just so damn cool.
NFL Football: This game is a shitty as MLB, so just read that write up and substitute every baseball for football.
A Nightmare On Elm Street: This game was originally gonna kick ass. You were gonna be Freddy and skewer teenage asses and stab their eyes out. Then LJN got so scared of the big N that they pissed on the game chips. A huge explosion resulted and this game is the result of that horrible electrocution. It mainly involves fighting Freddy’s glove and a floating bedsheet (seriously). It’s kinda funny cuz the bedsheet has all these stains on it, that’s why you’re so afraid of it. In honor of the five pansy ass programmers that died, we will now have a moment of silence in their honor. Try to think of the good points of Nightmare, mainly the four player action, since that’s the only time it’s worth playing. Sit in your room for one minute and be quiet, then go on the the next game.
Pictionary: This game is just plain awful! I never got why the hell you would shell out 50 bucks for an electronic (and shitty) version of a game whenever the real board game version costs 20. They actually expect you to draw with this shitty mouse and ahh....this game blows so much ass I can’t even talk about it anymore.
The Punisher: If you honored the moment of silence, you are a respectable person. I’m ashamed of you if you didn’t. Go back, read the Nightmare paragraph again, and do it right this time. I’ve only played this one on game boy but i’m pretty sure this game sucks so bad you’ll wanna lay some punishment on the game cartridge. I really wanna get done with this write up, so let’s just move on. NEWS FLASH: People like this game. Maybe I should go buy it. Maybe not.
Roger Clemens: Roger Clemens sucks, such does LJN. It couldn’t have possibly have ended up very well, but it didn’t. The end.
Spider-Man: Spider Man, Spider Man, does whatever a Spider can. Spider power, spider something, something else blah blah. Watch out, here comes the Spider Man! Hell yeah cuz! This game is like T2 or something. It sucks and only gives you one life or something. Every Spider-Man game on the NES and GB suck. How can anyone fuck up a liscense as cool as Spider-Man? It’s impossible. But LJN has amazing fuck up powers. They can fuck up any liscense, no matter how cool.
T&C Surf Designs: Wind And Water Rage: What the fuck!? A cool LJN game? What the hell? There must be something bad about it. Let me check. Hmm... it has a cool ass Gorilla, a smooth cat in a tuxedo, and surfer dude...oh, i found something. Skip Rogers likes it. That must mean it sucks. But he liked other cool games too....damnit. This game is cool. Why couldn’t all LJN game sucks? FUCK YOU LJN! Because of your I couldn’t just say a simple, “LJN sucks” sentence and call that my entire idiotorial. On the other hand, why the hell couldn’t every LJN game rule like this? What a diverse company is LJN.
Terminator 2: Judgement Day: Aka, Spiderman 2. This game is only enjoyable with a game genie, otherwise it’s harder than....okay, i’ll spare you a perverted phrase, but only this once! You owe me big. The perverted phrases will be back. Oh yeah, X-Men’s Iceman makes a cameo appearance playing the T-1000 in this game. Look out for him.
Thrilla’s Safari: Damn it. Why did LJN need to go and get a good series going? Maybe if they had just done more games like this, they wouldn’t be a laughing stock. This article isn’t about the good games, so let’s move on in the interest of time shall we?
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?: This game kicks so much ass it’s not even funny and has one of the easiest last level passwords ever. This game is so kick ass, i’m gonna stop writing this article for a sec and go play it. Be right back.
Any WWF Game By LJN: Sucks.
Well, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve wasted many minutes of out time. We’ve looked at 24 crappy and not so crappy games. I’m tired of LJN, and just wanna go relax. So i’m gonna grab me a soda, and go watch Roger Rabbit. I suggest that you do too. My favorite thing to do is whack off when Jessica Rabbit comes on. Oh baby! Man, she just digs Roger cause she heard they can fuck like rabbits because, well, they’re rabbits and that’s what they say, and I believe it because my local pet shop started out with four rabbits and in a month they had like, 30. Oh, I see i’m keeping you so i’ll shut up. Bye bye.
I hope this old skool Tato article didn't hurt too much. It's the only place you'll see it again though, so ummm...be grateful.